Thursday, September 6, 2007
Online dating is one of the fastest growing industries in the UK today. Every day, hundreds of thousands of us log on to one or more of the growing number of sites available; some looking for serious relationships, others for friendship and companions, and still others for casual flings and that extra 'bit on the side'.
Some sites claim to be purely for genuine singles seeking committed, long term relationships, others turn a blind eye to, or even actively encourage, married or cohabiting members who may or may not use the sites with the blessing of their spouse or partner. Of course many people who use online dating sites do so purely for chatting and exchanging messages and never meet face to face; with the steady growth of the Internet as a communication tool since it's inception, it has become increasingly possible for netizens to conduct deeply involved, real time relationships with people they have never actually met.
So what does this change with regard to the old ways of doing things? When does an online relationship become 'intimate'? Can you fall in love with an avatar, and can you cheat on someone, or with someone, who is in a different time zone?
A recent study by Dr Martin Graff of the University of Glamorgan showed that our perceptions of what does and does not constitute 'cheating' online are affected by a variety of factors – most prominently, and perhaps unsurprisingly, by the level of information dating site users are prepared to disclose about themselves; Dr Graff explains
"From this study, it seems that the greater the level of typed disclosure, then the stronger the perception of infidelity."
Seemingly, in the absence of the 'nonverbal cues' on which face to face interaction relies so strongly, how much we are prepared to give away about ourselves is the primary indicator of how intimate our online relationships are and by extension, the degree of unfaithfulness inherent in the actions of non single site users.
Perhaps more surprisingly, the study also showed that the time of day at which online encounters took place was also a key factor in establishing infidelity, concluding that
"Exchanges later in the evening were perceived to be more infidelitous, than those which might take place in the day or early evening."
Dr Graff's study is ongoing and subsequent phases will look at the issues of jealousy and trust in the context of online relationships.
Ultimately the jury is still out on exactly what constitutes online infidelity and indeed relationships over the net as a whole. It is doubtful that a firm conclusion will ever be reached as the world of online dating and relationships, as in 'real life', will always be immensely subjective due to the differing moral standards and emotional responses of the individuals involved. Studies like Dr Graff's can however provide a fascinating insight into the human causes and effects of the modern world, and how these are shaped by the direction of our rapidly developing and changing communications technology.
For more information visit http://www.glam.ac.uk
Croydon Hounslow works for a dating and chat site in the UK.
Getting Past Your Past
Dr. Neder,
I came across your articles on the Internet and thought I'd write for some advice. The short story is this: I was sexually abused throughout most of my younger years. Now, as I start to cope with this as a 32 year old man, I have found a 22 year old woman with whom I share many things. She has had questions in the past about many life issues, and has said she has many emotional challenges growing up.
She is a genuine sweetheart, and I am interested in her, but assuming I ever ask her out, how do we get past the age thing? Also, what can I do to open myself to someone after having been out of the dating game for the last decade? I've had no girlfriends, no real friends, no nothing....and now this ray of sunshine; this gem comes into my life! She has recently broken up with her boyfriend and is now available again. How long is too long to wait to ask her out, how soon is too soon?
Thanks!
======================
Hello!
You've covered a lot of ground with your questions. Let's see if I can shed some light on them:
1) Age difference
The only age difference issue lies in those 6 inches between your ears. I'm older than you and have recently dated women as young as 23. 10 years is certainly not a big issue, and in fact, you're actually much more attractive to a younger woman because you have life experience. Are there differences between someone at her age and yours? You bet, but dating isn't about differences, it's about similarities. Focus on what you have in common - not what's different between you two. Then, share your differences while expanding both your worlds. Age is only a number.
2) Getting past your past
I'm sorry to hear about your past, but remember – your past isn't who you are now. In fact, you aren't really even defined by it unless you CHOOSE to be. That's a very important concept and you should go back and re-read it as many times as it takes to really get it to sink in. Everyone has had challenges in their past. Each of us deals with them in different ways. Who you are today might be molded by that past, but you ARE NOT YOUR PAST - those are only experiences that influenced you because you survived them, not because they happened.
This is a very difficult concept for many to grasp. You aren't "damaged", and in fact you are probably much stronger than people that didn't experience these things. You are the result of the survival, not of the abuse. However, if you focus on the abuse, you limit the ability of the survivalist within you to take charge and to come out. I hope that you've been through counseling about all of this and have put it behind you. If not, you need to do this right away. Consider that counseling isn't really about healing you - it's about making you the person you'll ultimately become for the people you'll meet in your life - like this woman! She deserves to have the best YOU she can have, but she can't make you that person - you have to do this on your own.
3) Learning the dating game
You say you've spent the last decade without a girlfriend or many friends. Unfortunately, that too is a choice. People don't come to you on their own - you go get them. In effect, you've spent the last decade stunting your own growth by not doing this! You have some real work to do now in order to catch up. The up-side to this is that there's lots of information and self-study available to you. I suggest you start with my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" as they'll teach you the game from the inside out. You also need to better understand how women think, act, communicate, etc. These are all things you'll learn from the books.
Most guys spend years on trial and error, never really learning most of what they need to know. Women don't do this anywhere near as much! They have all sorts of relationship-study material available including books, movies, magazines and especially their own friends and family. Women spend their entire lives perfecting the techniques of relationships. While that's good for them, it's bad for you! The trial and error method means you're going to have to go through all sorts of relationships and try to learn from each one. Will you get the right lessons? Who knows? That's even more reason why you should seek out this information now rather than hope you'll just stumble upon it.
4) How long should you wait to ask her out?
Answer: about 1 minute should do it! There's an assumption that someone has to go through a "healing period" after a break up. For some people that might be true, but most people benefit from getting right back up on the horse that bucked them off. You don't really know the inside story of her relationship! Maybe she's been on the "exit plan" for over a year and actually broke up with him emotionally quite some time ago. On the other hand, maybe she got dumped right out of the blue. You don't know, but then, it's not your job to know. You're not committing any crimes here by asking her out! You're offering her some time to get to know a great guy. That sounds like a pretty good deal regardless of her past!
I suggest you get to started changing your life right now. Not everything will always work to your favor, but nobody is so special as to fail every single time. You can do this by merely deciding it. Make the decision and get going!
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Making a Great Date- 3 things you need to know for the perfect date!
The dating game can be frustrating, tricky, and is near impossible to
master. The hours and days leading up to a first date are often a roller
coaster of mixed emotions culminating in a few hours that more often than
not-and please forgive the pessimism that follows-will end in
disappointment. Women tend to take a bad date to heart and ask themselves
what she did wrong and why it was so miserable. So guys, this article is
especially for you-now pay close attention, as the following is from a woman
who knows all too well the devastating consequences of a bad date! Truly,
it can crush a girl. As you read the following dating essentials, feel free
take notes, write it on the palm of your hand, or put this article in your
pocket as you're walking out the front door to meet her, as these first date
musts may just be all you need to make her yours.
1- Be on time-no excuses!
Aside from the occasional metro-sexual male that may take more time to prep
for a date than the typical girl, it is common knowledge that women take
much more time getting ready for a social event than the male species,
especially when it comes to going out with a man. We ladies will painfully
and strategically pluck our eyebrows, meticulously put on mascara, eyeliner,
foundation and eye shadow, obsess over which outfit is the perfect for the
occasion, and so on and so forth. I could go on for hours. When it takes
us so long to get ready, and we try so hard to achieve that "perfect" look
and never do, you will rarely hear a girl tell herself that she looks
fabulous tonight. We tend to lean towards "my jeans are too tight" or "my
hair is so frizzy tonight" there is nothing more frustrating than when your
date leaves you waiting at the dinner table just to arrive in jeans and a
polo. The simple act of making your date on time or even early will score
you major brownie points with the girl.
2 – It truly is the little things that count most
It sounds silly, but to a girl there is nothing more flattering than having
the car door opened or when a man goes out of his way to make sure she
doesn't have to carry the popcorn or drinks. Small gestures are what we
remember in the long run, and it will be the topic of conversation amongst
the girls the next day during happy hour. There is a small portion of our
brain that remembers these thoughtful acts and it doesn't matter how amazing
the date went, when she lies in bed that night, she will be thinking about
the sweet little gestures you did for her. Knowing that you went out of
your way to buy her flowers or a teddy bear for the first meeting and still
made your date on time will be on her mind for the rest of the night!
3 – Make her laugh
This can be tricky at first if sense of humor is not your forte, but if you
can master the art of making a girl laugh, it could be the key straight to
her heart. There is nothing sexier than a man that is funny. Sharing a
good laugh will undoubtedly ease the tension of the date, and the more she
laughs, the more points you get! I guarantee if the laughter continues, she
will not soon forget the night. There is literally no such thing as too
funny, and she will be thinking about you as she giggles her giddy self to
sleep that night!
If you keep these three important tips in mind on your first date, you can't
fail. Historically, when women are drinking their martinis, dwelling over a
horrible first date with the girlfriends, it goes back to these three
essential mistakes. He was either late which makes her feel unimportant, he
didn't make her feel special, or the date was dull. If you can pull these
three tips off, you are sure to have a fun and memorable first date
together! Happy dating!
The Dating Diva
Relationship Guru
http://www.myhappydate.com
The Dating Darling has been interested in the phenomenon that is relationships and dating for years. A self proclaimed guru, I would like to share my knowledge with as many people as I can to make for Happy Dating!
|
